It Costs Me Nothing, It Costs Me Everything
by MakeYorkshireTeaNotWar
Summary: Set in series 2 - the infamous "Don't tell me you'll miss me" episode! Multi-chapter.
1. Chapter I

**A/N: Hello! Thank you for all the wonderful feedback for my last story! You have no idea how much it made me smile! Here's a (very short) first chapter to my new multi-chapter fic! I'm not entirely sure how I want it to end, so you'll have to bare with me! It's set in series 2 – the infamous "Don't tell me you'll miss me" episode!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and, unfortunately, it's highly unlikely that I ever will! *sigh***

**Merry reading!**

"Don't tell me you'll miss me…"

"I will, Mr Carson. Very much." Mrs Hughes nodded. "And it costs me nothing to say it."

_But it costs me everything to leave. _He sighed. Of course, he would never tell her that.

She frowned. She could tell from the look in his eyes that something wasn't right. If it pained him so much to leave, why not just stay? Darn that Lady Mary. Mrs Hughes knew that she would never fully appreciate Charles. Not to the extent that she did. But just how much was that? She tried to push that last thought to the back of her mind. "Then why go?" Before Charles could answer, she started again, "I know you think you can help her, Mr Carson, but she's made her own choices in life and she's a big enough girl to deal with them."

"I just want to be there for her. Like I always have been."

"And make yourself miserable in the process?"

"Without Lady Mary, there isn't much keeping me here." It hurt him to be so untruthful.

She looked to the floor and silence fell between them.

Charles thought by saying that, making himself believe that there was nothing else here for him, it would be easier for him to leave, to leave her, but seeing her expression only made it more difficult. He had hurt her as well as himself. It was him that finally broke the silence, "I'm sorry… I meant that Lady Mary is the family member that I have connected with the most. Ever since she was a lit-"

"It's fine." She interrupted him.

He cleared his throat, "His Lordship will find a good replacement."

"Will he?" Her gaze met his.

Before he could answer, there was a knock on the door. Anna appeared, "Lady Mary is looking for you, Mr Carson."

"Thank you, Anna." He said as he rose from his seat, leaving Elsie alone in his parlour.

**A/N: Thank you for reading! I'm sorry that it's very short! However, reviews are still rewarded with smiles (and tea)! **


	2. Chapter II

**A/N: Here's chapter two! I'm sorry that it's only a short chapter again! Thank you to everyone who reviewed and followed!**

**Merry reading!**

* * *

Elsie busied herself for the rest of the day. She didn't really have anything important that needed doing but she ensured that she had little tasks here and there. She needed to keep her mind occupied. She needed to keep her mind off of Charles.

However, avoiding him in her mind was far easier than avoiding him in person. As housekeeper and butler at Downton, there were naturally things that they needed to discuss. She would have to see him sooner or later.

Elsie closed the last window in the library and headed towards the door. She sighed, opened it and stepped out of the room, right into Charles' path. He, however, was too interested in the piece of paper he was holding to notice where she was stood and so walked straight into her.

"Mrs Hughes!" Charles grabbed Elsie's arm as she stumbled backwards. "I do apologise!"

She pulled away from him and straightened her dress, "It pays to watch where you're walking, Mr Carson."

"Again, I apologise Mrs Hughes," He sighed.

Elsie motioned towards his note, "Not bad news, I hope?"

Charles looked at his hands before back at her, "I was actually hoping you'd be in your sitting room."

"Oh?"

"There's something that I want to talk to you about."

* * *

Charles placed a bottle and two glasses on the table next to Elsie. As he sat down, she poured the wine into the glasses. She handed him his and waited for him to speak.

"As you know, Lady Mary wished to speak with me this morning." He took a sip of wine. "Sir Richard Carlisle has proven to be an even more devious man than we first expected."

Elsie raised an eyebrow, "I didn't think that possible."

"He asked Anna to do a little job for him."

"Anna? Our Anna?"

He nodded and handed her the note that she'd seen him with earlier. As she read it, he explained, "It would seem that Sir Richard doesn't believe that Lady Mary's feelings for Mr Crawley are quite as quelled as he would like to think and-"

"Therefore thought it acceptable to ask Anna to spy on her." She finished for him.

"Well, I'm not certain exactly how acceptable he thought it was but he did it nonetheless." He took another sip of wine. "As soon as Anna found the note he had left her, she took it straight to Lady Mary."

"And so she should have done. I know Lady Mary is no angel herself but nobody deserves to be treated like that."

Charles started to slowly spin his wine glass on the table.

"Mr Carson?" She spoke softly.

He shook his head and sighed, "I cannot make myself work for a man like Richard Carlisle, Mrs Hughes."

"Then don't." She said plainly.

His gaze met hers and she could see how truly torn he was just by the look in his eyes. He sighed again, "But she needs someone to guide her, to help her."

Elsie startled him by heavily placing her wine glass on the table. "Why can't you just forget about you precious Lady Mary and think about yourself for once? Or even those others around you?"

Before he had chance to speak, she had said goodnight and left.


	3. Chapter III

**A/N: Hi! Here's another chapter! Thank you again for the reviews! They really do mean so much!**

**Merry reading!**

* * *

Charles now sat alone in his pantry. He stared in bewilderment at the wine glass that Elsie had slammed onto the table. Why was the whole situation getting to her so much? He knew that she cared, as a friend, for his well-being but it was a decision that he had to make.

* * *

"Silly man!" Elsie grumbled as she took the pins from her hair, wincing when she accidentally pulled out a few strands. She slammed the pins onto the vanity and walked over to the window. She opened it and breathed in the fresh air, hoping that it would calm her.

She ran her hand over one of the curtains as she thought about what a scene she had made in Charles' pantry. The poor man was probably wondering what on Earth her problem. Elsie blushed as she thought about exactly what that was. "Oh, Elsie…" She sighed. "You're too old for those sorts of feelings."

* * *

Charles laughed at himself as he knew all too well that he'd gone to her for advice. Elsie was his closest friend, not just at Downton but the closest friend that he'd ever had. He confided in her things that he'd never dream of telling anyone else but not once did she judge him, or so she never seemed. However, this was the time when he needed her the most, to understand why he had to go and therefore support him, but she was upstairs, away from him, and undoubtedly angry.

Charles, being as blind as he was, couldn't figure out where her anger came from and so sighed, "She never did like Lady Mary."

* * *

Elsie walked over to her beside table to have a sip of water but realised that she'd left her glass in the kitchen. She tutted at herself in frustration before heading downstairs to get it. Luckily, she hadn't already changed into her nightclothes. Not that it mattered much anyway as the rest of the staff had long retired before her and Charles had shared the leftover wine and he would have followed shortly after she had stormed out of his pantry. That also meant that she wouldn't have to avoid him whilst getting her glass. Elsie let out a short, dry laugh. At least something was going right.

Or not.

She stopped dead in her tracks, a few drops of water spilling over the edge of her glass. "What is he still doing up?" She asked the light that was leaking from under Charles' pantry door. Maybe he had just forgotten to blow the candle out. It wouldn't be the first time (no matter how much he denied it).

She moved over to the door and put her hand on the handle, ready to open it, but stopped again when she heard him speaking.

* * *

The door flew open and Charles soon found himself in the presence of a very infuriated housekeeper.

"She never did like Lady Mary?" She spat.

Charles tried his best to remain calm, "Mrs Hugh-"

"Don't you dare 'Mrs Hughes' me!"

He started blankly at her. He didn't know what quite else to say.

"I know you fail to see what is right in front of your eyes, Mr Carson," She said his name sarcastically. "But I thought that you would at least hold me in greater esteem rather than believe that I wouldn't want you to leave with someone purely for the fact that I do not like them!"

"I…" He struggled for words.

"Do you honestly think me so selfish? Do you?" Her anger was constantly rising.

"N-"

"Do not get me wrong, I sometimes do have thoughts that I would never care to admit but don't we all?" She took a deep breath. "Is it so difficult for you to believe that I was only thinking of you through all of this? Not Lady Mary and not even mys…" She trailed off before her emotion caused her to say too much. It was making quite the habit of doing that recently.

"Yes." He simply said. It wasn't a lie. It was indeed difficult for him to imagine that she'd worry so much solely for him. Of course, she misunderstood entirely.

"Right. I see." Elsie nodded. "I'm just that bitter, old housekeeper, am I?"

Charles couldn't make himself speak.

She laughed bitterly although he could see the hurt in her eyes, "You know, I always thought you saw me in a different light to everybody else." Her gaze fell to the floor and her tone became softer, "I always thought you were the only one who did but the silly thing was that I wouldn't have asked for it to be anyone else."

Charles cleared his throat and tried to speak.

Elsie shook her head, "There's no need to say anything. Goodnight, Mr Carson. I shall see you in the morning."


	4. Chapter IV

**A/N: I am so, so sorry that it has taken me this long to finish this! Maybe I will also get around to finishing one of others I've planned out sometime soon?! Anyhow, here's the ending!**

**Merry reading!**

* * *

Charles sighed and leant back in his chair, thoughts of Elsie encompassing him. She had misunderstood him entirely. He would never see her as his bitter, old housekeeper. _Yours, Charles?_ He shook his head. She wasn't his to keep and never would she be. He'd upset her and now Elsie assumed that he thought the worst of her. Charles knew that she never usually let the opinions of others so openly get to her so why did he matter so much? He shook his head. The woman made no sense.

He blew out the candle on his desk before leaving his pantry.

* * *

Elsie leant against the wall, one hand on her stomach and the other pressed against her mouth in attempt to cease her sobs. _And you promised yourself you wouldn't cry._ However much she wished she would not let herself get so overly emotional, however much she wanted them to stop, tears streamed down her cheeks and her shoulders continued to shake. She closed her eyes and let her head rest in her hands.

* * *

Charles stepped out into the corridor, shutting his pantry door behind him. He moved to take a step towards the stairs when a shadow caught his eye. He silently studied the small, shaking form before whispering into the darkness, "Mrs Hughes?"

She cleared her throat before quickly straightening up, dropping her hands to her sides.

Charles crossed to her and pressed a handkerchief into her palm. Her fingers closed around it but she made no attempt to move. Maybe if she didn't draw attention to the tear tracks on her cheeks, he wouldn't notice them. The fact that he had given her his handkerchief evidently proved that he already had done.

"Mrs Hughes," With his eyes now adjusted to the darkness, he could see in her eyes how much she needed to rest. She had been working herself too hard like he once did. Still did. He couldn't let the same thing happen to her. "You're tired."

She let out a short, sarcastic laugh before meeting his gaze and entering into a lengthy, bitter snicker.

He looked at her in puzzlement.

"How typical of you, Mr Carson."

He waited for her to explain.

"Marking any kind of improper emotion as simple fatigue."

Again, that was not what he had meant.

"Is denial a wonderful way to live, Mr Carson?"

_What…_

"It must be quite pleasant to so easily be able to turn yourself away from your improper emotion."

_Improper emotion._ There were those two words again.

"That is, if you even hav-" She swallowed, trying to stop her tears from falling once again. "If you even have any."

"I have emo-"

She interrupted him, "But have you ever been tempted to claim to be ill, just to stay in bed a little while longer? Have you ever been tempted to take two books from the library, just because you can't decide which one you would prefer, despite his Lordship's strict rule of taking only one at a time? Have you ever been tempted to wonder what it would be like to have a library of your own, what it would be like to have your own house with your own family to share it with?" She swallowed again, but this time, she was unsuccessful in holding back her pain. "Have you ever been tempted to fall in love?"

_If only she knew_.

She lowered her gaze, watching her teardrops descend into the darkness around her feet.

He had to say something. Anything. He stuttered, " I… I love the family. I…"

She shut her eyes before taking a deep breath and moving by him towards the stairs. _If only he knew._

He had lost count of how many misunderstandings over the last week had caused Elsie to walk away from him as she was doing now. He quickly reached out and took hold of her arm. Only this time, he wasn't going to let her go so easily.

"Charles…" And just with that sole mention of his name, through the look in her eyes, through the emotion in her voice, Elsie perfectly illustrated to him exactly what she had meant. Suddenly everything was so clear.

Charles sought out her hand in the dark. Taking hold of it, he gently pulled her towards him. He smoothed his hand along her arm, over her shoulders, and up her neck until he cupped her cheek. He used his thumb to wipe away her tears. "Elsie…" He whispered before leaning closer and brushing her lips with his own.

She let out a contented sigh as he rested his forehead against hers.

"Elsie?"

"Yes, Charles?"

"I won't leave you."

"Don't tell me you'd miss me?" Her eyes sparkled in mock astonishment.

"I would, Mrs Hughes. Very much. And it costs me nothing to say it." He leant forward and kissed her again.

"But Lord knows, it would cost you everything if you didn't."

* * *

**~ THE END ~**

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading! And also thank you to those who followed, favourited and reviewed - I promise I will reply to those very soon! You guys are the absolute best! **


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